Yesterday I watched the DW YouTube video, The Mystical Flavor of the Ear-Whispered Lineage and Troma Nakmo. In describing the mystical aspect of Tsongkhapa, Khandro-la says something like, "he used language (rational thought) to cut through language....to go to the edge and then drop it!" (I apologize for any misrepresentation of KL's beautiful teaching, by the way.) The deeper I go into dakini teachings and practices, the more deeply ingrained, pervasive habitual patterns are uncovered. Some are qualities that have, and still do, serve me well you could say. Mystical Tsongkhapa has got me thinking about discipline, a quality I have had the fortune to have but that also can turn around and bite in the 'you know what!' Working with my mind, dakinis have been dancing and playing there in the midst of this quality of discipline. And hearing about Tsongkhapa taking this rational, logical quality of thinking and using it to cut through the very obstacle that it can be has inspired me to do the same. Thus, I have a new self-inquiry question for this Troma Nakmo Retreat - How can I use discipline to take me to the edge, then drop it? Jump! Leap! Maybe Troma Nakmo, this wrathful aspect of Machik will push me there, and then over!
I'm wondering if others are discovering things about yourself that might take you to the edge of what we are capable of with a willingness to then, JUMP!?!
Beautiful question Ellen, thank you for bringing this up.
I can relate to the 'using mind to get beyond mind' that Amanda speaks of. In my experience, the question also is: what is discipline? What is the essence of discipline?
I can be too rigid in practicing, wanting to do it perfectly or pressuring situations to be able to do my practice on the cushion. But then, this discipline becomes like a to-do list, like a way of saying: yes, check, did it today, this day is done or complete. But then, especially in this Troma Nakmo Retreat, where is the compassion? And what am I doing?
My 'edge' until now in this retreat is a practical one, even just being able to do the sadhana. I haven't been able to do it the way I planned, because of practical circumstances. I have been feeling frustrated and 'not good enough' about it. But when I realize I am still in the middle of this retreat, I know that for me in this period, my intention is most important.
Up until a few days ago I felt this pressure and urge to practice, knowing that there would be lots of things coming in between and when that happened I would be feeling frustrated and unsatisfied about it. It drove me up to a point, to an edge of an enormous mountain of frustration and not feeling good enough, that gave me some kind of overview and it actually made me laugh about it. What am I doing here? This is not helping anyone, this is not what compassion, let alone fierce compassion, looks like. This mountain of feelings and judgements, that seemed so big and unsurpassable, actually brought me back to space and compassion.
Just doing practice..
When I heard "to go to the edge and then drop it" in Khandro-la's teaching, I was amazed by the whole idea, and I said "wow". Thanks for bringing this up Ellen💖. Whatever seemingly unfavoring conditions arise during the Retreat, that are pushing me to the edge. And when that happens, that's my chance to drop the afflictive perception of Louise. It's a long way to perfect this art, but being the little blue pea in a pod inside of Troma Nakmo's tummy is always my solace.
Another way I've heard it expressed is "using mind to get beyond mind." I'm beginning to get a taste of that in this Troma Nakmo retreat, something about the dance between discipline and play. Finding expansion through narrowing the margins; needing concentration and a long view in order to slow down, dive deep, and feel my way. To allow "perfection" to evolve through a steady drip of relaxed effort, instead of impatiently trying to force it with ego-driven desire disguised as discipline.