“What are you holding onto for dear life?” Khandro-la asked us during our first Shiwa Lamsab practice following transmission.
As our Retreat ended last night, I listened to everyone’s beautiful and heart-felt comments about their Retreat experience. I was touched and inspired and, I can’t deny it, a bit envious. I thought, “Am I the only one?”
No doubt, for me during Retreat, there are moments of light, fertile richness, abundance, possibility, utter devotion, and appreciation. But also, I find that Retreats have a tendency to reveal my deepest, most troubling kleshas, poisons, conditioned and habitual patterns. I find myself often sitting in the charnel ground of the stench of this manure and feel like sobbing with hopelessness about this human condition, samsara, I cling so tightly to. There, sometimes, doubt raises its ugly head and I think, “Am I even worthy of these precious practices?”
Amidst the roller coaster of energies and emotions I experience during Retreat, I recognize something that doesn’t change. I see the suffering that pervades the whole earth and I experience what feels like this indestructible yearning to practice, to keep practicing and keep practicing until I can wholeheartedly uncover the answer to this question, “What are you holding onto for dear life?” Then, and only then, can I fully awaken in order to help other poor souls such as me to see clearly who and what we truly are.
i am with you on the rollercoaster - i think thats what retreat does - it intensifies. Its like the stupa of fire - no where to escape! Even when i couldnt attend some sessions i was being challenged. Thanks always for your honesty and deep commitment to truth. This journey with Cho on the rollercoaster is serious fun!Yes hands off the handle bar - love that analogy Amanda.
wheeeeee from me and the whole universe xx
You are not alone. I was on the rollercoaster too. In particular I experienced deep physical/mental/emotional exhaustion following the Uncommon Cho Empowerment. Initially I berated myself for not being able to "push through" and join the tsok feast that followed, but I also felt intuitively that this was a deep clearing taking place in the subtle body, and embraced it. This is just one example.
If we're using the metaphor of a rollercoaster, maybe we should try more often to say "screw it" and joyfully throw our hands in the air, instead of clinging to the bar and screaming about not wanting to be on the ride!
As always you express your thoughts and feelings so beautifully, Ellen. I wish I could have been there for the ending of the Retreat to hear everyone share. You are definitely not the only one! I understand and experience the doubts and yearnings you express. It makes sense to me that the Retreat would stir up more layers of mud that need to be purified. I wish I could be as strong and devoted a practitioner as you are. You're so inspiring. As you have said, "We keep moving forward." It sounds like that's what you're doing.